Coping with the Bullies - Advice for Parents of Boys

Coping with the Bullies, Part 2 ... by C.L. Beck

Tags: parenting, bullies



Photo © Simeon


When bullying happens, parents often tell their son to make friends with the bully, and maybe even take treats to him at home. Yes, we should love our neighbor, but in the case of bullying, nothing could be more ineffective. By giving extra attention to the bully, the child reinforces the bully’s negative behavior. After all, which of us - when given treats, praise, and adoration for bad behavior - would willingly give it up? Bullying is all about power and control, not about who is kind and who is a friend.

Ignoring a bully doesn’t work, either, because he has allies who cheer for him. The lack of attention your son gives the bully does not override the attention he’s getting from his friends. Ignoring a bully simply causes the situation to escalate.

So ... if kindness, cookies, and compassion don't work, and ignoring the bully makes it worse, what is effective?


Teach your son to swagger. Yes, this seems like a funny thing to teach kids, but it's surprising how effective it is. Bullies size up their targets, and a boy that swaggers is more imposing than a mild-mannered one that looks at the ground or an easy-going one who smiles at everyone. It's not necessary for your boy to swagger all the time, just during the first few weeks of school while the pecking order is established. Then it's only used when needed.

After you teach your son how to swagger, have him practice it when he's with you, at times that seem appropriate.

Teach your child "The Stare." I can see some of you raising your eyebrows and saying, "But, staring is impolite." We've all been taught not to stare, but a child who is able to hold his gaze until the other person looks away is sending a signal that he is not an easy target. It shouldn't be used every day with everyone he meets, so it will take effort on your part - as well as practice on your son’s part - to understand when a stare is appropriate.

Find something social at which he excels. This doesn't mean he has to be the star quarterback, but every boy needs something at which he excels; something that gives him friends with similar interests. Self-defense courses are great, but if your son isn't interested in those, try something else that carries a little psychological weight and makes him feel he's a success. Enroll him in anything he enjoys, but that will not be viewed as nerdy by his peers, and at which you're pretty certain he'll succeed.

Don't make your son ride the bus. One of the prime places for bullying is on the school bus. Through no fault of their own, drivers can't watch the road and see what's happening in the back of the bus at the same time. No life lessons will be missed if your child gets a ride from you or the neighborhood carpool.

If there's a problem, talk with the authorities. Take it as far as it needs to go. Talk first to the teacher and the principal, and arrange for either the bully or your child to be moved, monitored, or what ever needs to be done to end the situation. If nothing changes quickly, take it to the school board, and then the police. Better to have all of them angry with you because you've caused them an inconvenience, than to have your son lying in the hospital, comatose, because a bully beat him senseless. And yes, I've known of an instance where that was the case.

If need be, investigate other options … home schooling, charter or private school, or another school district. Then, move your child there.

Those last options might seem extreme, and cost you money or time. However, when it comes to bullying, it’s up to you to put a stop to it – you’re the only protector your son has, and repeated bullying may scar him for life. Or worse yet, end his life before he's had a chance to live it.

[Note: Although this article deals with the bullying that takes place with boys, I plan on addressing the emotional bullying that girls endure in a future article.]


------ "Coping with the Bullies - Advice for Parents of Boys" © Cindy Beck, 2011------


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Coping with the Bullies, Part 1 ... by Cindy Beck

Coping with the Bullies in My Class (A True Story)

Tags: parenting, bullies



The teacher leaves our middle school classroom, and chaos erupts as soon as he walks out the door. I sit quietly, waiting for his return. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice one of the "troublemakers" moving out of her seat a few rows over, but I don't pay close attention. Better not to look interested when that group is up to something.

Her friends egg her on. As she walks over to where I sit, I figure she'll just walk past. Suddenly, without a word of warning, her hand flashes out and smacks me hard on the face. I sit there, stunned, blinking back tears. Why'd she hit me? What did I ever do to her? I barely know her name.

I fight hard not to cry, and the shame and embarrassment are even more painful than the slap that reddens my face. She struts back to her seat with her buddies cheering as though she'd accomplished something heroic, rather than bullying a shy girl without many friends.

My mind spins in circles, trying to make sense of it. A mild-mannered kid in the next seat whispers anxiously, "What happened? Why did she hit you?"

I shrug my shoulders, not daring to utter a word for fear the tears that I'm struggling with will fall, and things will worsen. If the teacher doesn't come back soon, I know the slap will be followed by a full-fledged scuffle between us ... a fight in which I'll end up pounded into the linoleum floor and sent to the hospital.

No joke about the hospital. These kids love cruelty.

Just then, the teacher walks back in and I let out a small sigh of relief. I'm safe as long as he's there. But, the relief only stays for a moment and then the reality of the situation hits—I'm dead meat when I get on the bus. Literally. I know about this group of kids ... they carry knives ... some have landed in juvenile detention.

Then another thought comes to me. What will my parents say about me being slapped in class? My folks believe I should stand tall, be proud of myself and not hide behind my shyness, so I feel certain that getting slapped in the face and not returning the favor will be frowned upon.

I sit in turmoil for the rest of the class period, not hearing a word the teacher says, only feeling the sting of the slap, and the pain of wondering why. I don't know what to do, but I know that whatever it will be, it can't wait until tomorrow or the next day. It has to happen quickly. I finally reach a terrible decision ... to fight as soon as we walk out into the hall, before she has a chance to corner me on the bus.

I don't know anything about fighting. How do you fight another girl? Slap her in the face, like she did to me? That seems about as beneficial as poking a grizzly bear with a bobby pin.

When class ends, I push my way to her, look her in the eyes—and with my knees shaking so bad it's a wonder my eyeballs don't pop out—I say, "If you're not too chicken, why don't you try hitting me when I'm standing up?"

She obliges.

Because of the narrow hallway, it turns into a shoving match more than an actual fistfight. Teachers intervene in a flash—which would never have happened if I'd waited until we boarded the bus—and off we go to the principal's office.

I wonder how the principal even knows me—I'm such a quiet kid—but I'm glad he's smart enough to believe me. He calls her parents in and then suspends her. He calls my parents, too, and I go home without a suspension.

The next day, I go back and have to face her group, but they don't lay a hand on me. I know it's partly because I stood up for myself, and partly because the principal backed me up and suspended her. Still, I have to live with their whispers and the dirty looks they send my way. Looks filled with hate, and I know that if they ever have the chance and find me alone outside of school, I'm in deep trouble.

It's a terrible time. One of the worst in my life. Fear and worry are my constant companions, since I never know for sure if the group will lie in wait for me. I keep hoping the few friends I have will stand by me, but they're just as scared as I am.

One day, I have a flash of inspiration. Why not just transfer to another school next year? Relief washes through me and I know that I've found a way of coping with the bullies. I smile, knowing that if I can just make it until May, I might actually live long enough to attend high school.


[Author's note: Traveling a few miles of life's road with bullies taught me a great deal. I've never allowed bullying in any class I've taught, nor stood by and watched as it happened on the street ... which, as my hubby will tell you, sometimes gets him into hot water in my defense.

In my next post I'd like to share concepts with you that might help your children avoid being targeted by bullies, and to give suggestions on what to do if those steps don't cure the problem.]


------ "Coping with the Bullies, Part 1" © Cindy Beck, 2011------


This blog sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.com.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

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